Monday, May 08, 2006  

Public Service Announcement

There is a wretched little Mexican restaurant in Boston called Fajitas and Ritas. You must avoid it at all costs. Without a doubt, the worst Mexican food I've ever eaten in my life, and I'm counting the time I was drunk and ate uncooked refried beans straight from the can.

I cannot even conceive of blander food. The salsa tasted like old ketchup, and the chips were like tree bark. When I asked the waiter if they had anything spicier, he barely had time to mumble "uh, no" before he went back to staring at my wife's tits. And the fajitas themselves were made with tasteless onions, wiggly-limp bell peppers, and chicken that was the culinary equivalent of particle board. It had no taste whatsoever. The one thing in this world that doesn't taste like chicken is this place's chicken.

It was like eating food that had been marinated in a distillate of an accounting firm's budget committee meeting.

But what more could you expect from a joint whose menu is, literally, a form you have to fill out, complete with checkboxes and lines for entering information. You actually have to do paperwork to get access to this shitty food. No wonder it tastes bureaucratic.

The sangria doesn't even have WINE in it. I think it was vodka they stole from a homeless guy and Sharkleberry Fin kool-aid.

It's inconceivable how inauthentic this food was. I mean, I don't think you could even screw up and have food this bad. I think you'd actually have to try, to sit down with paper and pencil and a five year plan, and make every effort to actually create something so horrible. It's like someone who'd never eaten Tex-Mex found a cookbook at the library with some missing pages and used it to start a restaurant with a kitchen staffed entirely by Swedes.

I mean, according to the Republicans, there are millions of undocumented Latinos just sort of wandering the streets of this country. You can't pull one or two in and let them give you some tips on the chow?

And the service matched the food. Our waiter was some guy who wouldn't even talk to us, he was so busy hitting on the drunken college hosebags at the next table. He sort of tossed our bill to us underhand after we had to beg for it like three times. Hope he enjoyed the buck tip.

I mean it, if you find yourself in the neighborhood and even consider for a second eating in this grimy suckhole, immediately punch yourself in the balls until the idea goes away.