Thursday, January 22, 2004  

Some Thoughts on Gay Marriage

As we steam into the presidential campaign, it looks like both sides are going to try to make some political hay out of gay marriage. Massachusetts is well on the way to legalizing it, and of course, the hubbub is starting.

I don't quite understand the opposition. Conservatives seem to think that legalizing marriage for homosexuals will somehow erode the notion of heterosexuality. Let me give you my two cents. Since I got married, I've lost weight, begun wearing more stylish clothes that fit better, hosted a myriad of dinner parties, bought and installed window treatments, learned to make a champagne cocktail, received and used Aveda and Nivea skin care products, started wearing organic bay rum cologne, and argued with my wife over scented candles. Near as I can tell, marriage pretty much makes you gay. Seems like the institution is doing a fine job of eroding my heterosexuality all by itself.

I'm also curious now that the Commonwealth has given gay marriage a green light, how many versions of this conversation are going on around the state:

Guy 1: We can finally get married! You always said you'd marry me if they allowed it.

Guy 2: Uh, yeah, about that...look, over there! (Dashes out)

And if two dudes get married, how do they decide which one stops giving blowjobs?

Giant Tumor Update

According to the BBC, the Romanian woman with the giant tumor is doing well. You'll also notice that the BBC article confirms the numerical data quoted in my act. World record: 302 pounds.

Note to young comics. This is an example of how old bits magically transform into fresh bits. The 3% of you that will still be doing comedy two years from now should keep this in mind.

Jesus Fuck, Dr. Dean

Well, I don't know about you, but I do believe I'll cross Howard Dean off my "Maybe Could Be President" list. I'm sure that getting his ass handed to him in Iowa was stressful, but his bizarro speech/primal scream said to me that he's not the kind of cool little cucumber I personally want to give access to the button. Can you imagine playing Monopoly with him?

Kid: Okay, dad, you landed on Baltic. That's 12 bucks.

Dean: You might have Baltic, but I'm going to get Pennsylvania! And Tennessee! And New York! And Connecticut! And then I'm going to get St. Charles! And Oriental! And then I'm going to get Boardwalk and Park Place and put a hotel on it and get back my money! YAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Kid: Christ, dad, relax.

Ananova - Woman to have 12 stone tumour removed

Ananova - Woman to have 12 stone tumour removed

It's a gross picture, but everyone in the universe is sending me the link, since thanks to this bit, I seem to be the go to guy for giant tumor stories.