Saturday, February 28, 2004  

Montreal Quatre

Spent a great day walking around Montreal yesterday. Saw McGill's campus, which was only made lovelier by its proximity to the "danse contact" boutiques that line St. Catherine's. I still have yet to avail myself of the famous Montreal strip clubs. It's just too creepy to go by myself, and all the boys here are jaded to them. Still, I feel like it's going to New Orleans and not hearing jazz or going to Texas and not being dragged behind a truck. I might just take a little dough and go give it a whirl.

Great show last night. Worked the Too Fat to Hang bit back in, and it worked okay. Had a couple of the local guys give me insight, and their thought was that it was the word "fat" that was freaking the crowd out. This place is kind of like Cambridge writ large when it comes to PC-ness. They suggest that if I say he's too heavy to hang, the bit will be just fine. That's just weird. I was considering going to the Comedy Works here afterward, but decided I'm already having a hard time remembering the names of all the new comics I've met already, so instead I stuck around for the open mike they do at the Nest late Fridays.

I've been wondering if the bit about my sister coming out would work here...wasn't sure if it would be received as either homophobic, or too Taco Bell intensive for the references to work. So I grabbed four minutes on the open mike, and had them just bring me up as a comic from Boston, so I could see. That was a good call, because it TANKED. Bad. Could have been the intro ("This guy is from Boston or something, and he's an ordained minister...Tim McIntire!"), but it was like a snuff film. Cronk. No biggie...that's what open mikes are for, and that's why I tried it there instead of during the real show, but it was kind of embarrassing to see all the open mikers deciding that this week's headliner sucks.

The whole "Reverend Tim" thing seems to befuddle the local comedy crew here. People just can't seem to get their heads around it. I even explain that it's a ULC thing, and it's just really a stage name and a hook to make people remember me, but it's resonating wrong. I might bag it for tonight's intros, just to see.

After the bloodbath, went out with my boy Kevin, a local Montreal act that I've met at the Comedy Studio a few times. Hit an Irish pub for a pint of Black and Tan, and then he and his wife and their friend invited me to a loft party thrown by this artist cat they know. Knowing that if I went home, I'd just stay up all night playing Call of Duty, I figured something social would be cool. But when we got there, it turns out that the loft party was playing second banana to the rave the artist cat had rented his space out to. Coming up the stairs, I narrowly avoiding becoming collateral damage from the stream of Ecstacy-laced puke flying out of the face of a kid in a wife beater and what can only be called rave pants. We all felt immediately un-hip and fled the scene quickly. So they dropped me back at the condo, where it was a little scrambled porn and a cozy night of much needed sleep.

Montreal #3

Really fun show last night at the actual Comedy Nest here in Montreal. Lotsa funny local acts, one of whom (hilarious hipster Ryan Murphy) took me out for smoked meat and poutine this afternoon. That's a giant pastrami sandwich and french fries covered in soft cheese and brown gravy. Add to that the fact that everyone here smokes like 2 packs a day, and I think I've figured out how Canadians make their health care work...they must all die of heart attacks by 40. Puts much less strain on the system.

Looking forward to tonight's show. Gonna fuss with the set order a little, and try a couple of bits that I generally only do at the Comedy Studio. It's kinda fun being back in a headspace where I have to worry a bit about what's going to go over.

Montreal #2

Fun show last night at a bar called Bourbon Street, which, ironically, didn't have any goddamn bourbon. Worked with three great comics, to whom I'd link if I could remember any of their last names. Apparently the beer/coffee/fishstick diet ain't great for one's short term memory. But Phil, Dave, and Joey...great stuff, even if Joey (local headliner, national sensation, mack daddy) was a touch in alpha dog mode on stage (p.s. he rock-diddly-ocked).

Had a decent set. I was curious to see how my usual material would go over in Canada. Generally okay, but I am going to switch up the order a bit. The Too Fat to Hang bit ran up against the fact that most Canadians think we Americans are kind of douchebags (douche is French, non?) for our system of capital punishment, so it was a bit of a rocky start. Ended strong, and after talking to folks last night, I will certainly be working in the George Bush material. They hate him as much, if not more, than we do (we=right thinking Americans). Tonight's at the actual Comedy Nest, and I'm already looking forward to it.

I haven't been here long enough to come to any broad conclusions about Montreal, other than the fact that everybody here is fucking gorgeous. Even the gaming nerds next to me here in the cyber cafe are pretty sexxxie, in a too-much-Red-Bull-too-many-Dunhills kind of way.

Other random observations:

* Much Music kicks MTV's ass
* 2 dollar coins are the stupidest form of currency I've ever encountered
* Must bring my own whiskey next time
* 4 channels of scrambled porn!!!
* Can still reach orgasm to scrambled porn
* Poutine, poutine, poutine
* Verizon's National SingleRate plan only includes one nation
* Am not going to get nearly as much writing done as originally planned
* Good fishsticks!

Montreal #1

Made it over the border with no fuss, no muss. Got to the comedy condo and found it nicely turned out with food and fun. I've had approximately 1 liter of beer, a pot of coffee, and a fishstick. Viva la Canada!!!

Ou La La Montreal!!!

This Wednesday through Saturday, I will be headlining Ernie Butler's Comedy Nest in Montreal, Canada! I am really looking forward to this gig...I can actually tell my GEORGE BUSH JOKES at a COMEDY SHOW!!!

Nader

Anyone who knows me knows that I was an ardent Nader supporter in 2000. I was a true believer all the way, and I'm quite sure I was outspoken to the point of obnoxiousness about it. That said, let me react to Nader's announcement that he is running again in 2004:

Fuck you, Ralph, you pinhead. I don't necessarily buy that you cost Gore the election (me, I blame Tipper's bad karma for the PMRC), but smarter people than me say you did, and even if there's a CHANCE you could act as a spoiler this time around, you have a moral imperative to sit this one out. In 2000, the time was right to prove a point, a valid point, about the corporate hijacking of our democracy. But in 2004, it's about keeping a cabal of evil scumfucks from bombing the living shit out of a bunch of brown people so their rich buddies can make more dough while they strip us of even more civil liberties and ruin this democracy even further. Announcing so late as you did means you can't even CLAIM to be mounting a viable campaign this time, and I can only think you're doing it to piss James Carville off so bad that his bald little noggin explodes and you get him back for all the shitty things he said about you. Could you do us a favor and just kick him in the balls and leave this election alone? By the way, I'm still registered Green thanks to your movement last time around -- what a colossal mistake that was! I spent about 6 meetings being amazed that grown-ups could be that politically naive before I packed it in and went back to using Sunday afternoons for Civ III.

Ralph, my man with the bicycle-hard thighs and second-hand suits, if you want to help fix this democracy, use your manic energy and bigass brain to help get instant run-off voting in this country. Until that happens, you're simply being a prick, and there's a bunch of kids in Syria who stand to get blown to fucking pieces this time around, and your "candidacy" will actually add to the senselessness of it when it does happen.

But thanks for the seat belts.

Sorry

Sorry to have been absent from the blogoshere for the last couple of weeks. A couple of personal issues and a lot of Civ III kept me from having anything I wanted to say or any time in which to say it.

Dean Gig Tonight

Hey, all...

Tonight I will be performing at a Howard Dean rally at the Middle East in Cambridge. I have a sneaking suspicion it will be like doing comedy at a wake. Showtime's 7:30, and there are some other great comics on the show, including Petter Dutton and some other people I don't remember right now.

My College Degree Pays Off

It was my turn to put Jude to bed last night, which in theory means we change his diaper, put on his pajamas, and then lie in mama and daddy's bed under the covers while I read him three books and he snuggles on my shoulder. In reality, it means *I* lie under the covers reading books about tow trucks or puffins while he runs all over the room and throws things around like a little midget psychopath.

But last night, while running around, he found an old copy of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight that I had tucked in the nightstand (shut up - I am not a nerd), and for some reason he asked me to read it. So I do, and it's written in iambic pentameter (translated from the original old English), and he's rivted by it. Riveted. So I really beef up my voice, rumbling it really low and dramatic, using everything the College of Santa Fe theater department taught me about speaking verse, and he just snugged himself up against me, sucked his thumb, and we stayed like that for well over 25 minutes. We left off right after the Green Knight challenges King Arthur to a contest. I'm sure Jude has no idea what's going on, but good form insists that I leave it a cliffhanger.

President's Statement on Massachusetts' Court Ruling

President's Statement on Massachusetts' Court Ruling

And I quote:

"If activist judges insist on re-defining marriage by court order, the only alternative will be the constitutional process..."

HAHAHAHA!!! Oh, gods of irony, I praise your wondrous works! George W. "Thank You Supreme Court" Bush bitching about judicial activism! Bravo!!!

Tonight

In case anyone who reads this actually wants to see me perform sometime, I'll be working out new bits at the 'On The Hill Tavernā??, 499 Broadway Street in Somerville tonight. Showtime's 9:00. There'll be an open mike showcase first, and then I'll be closing it out. This is a cool bar, and everyone would love to see it take off, so if you want good comedy and great wings, come on down.

Eckerds + Texas = You Gotta Be Shitting Me

"Be glad you live in Boston," my friend and corruptor Steve Luc IM's me.

"Why?" sez I.

Then he proceeds to tell me this tale, about a woman who was raped, the doctor who prescribed the morning-after pill, and the pharmacist who refused to fill the prescription.

And once again, I was very, very glad I live in Boston.

Public Apology to Dave Eggers

Dear Mr. Eggers,

I'm 124 pages into A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, which, despite my wife's earnest recommendation, I've resisted reading, believing it to probably be the kind of ironic, self-aware, hip-for-hip's-sake kind of book that makes my skin crawl. So far it is none of those things. It is, however, fucking brilliant and, well, heartbreaking. Sorry to have been so wrong, but the title just made it seem like it had to be super-ironic. I guess I judged the book by its cover, which they tell me you're not really supposed to do.

Okay, Maybe Not the Final Word

Are you shitting me? We'll launch a "thorough and swift" investigation into whether or not Janet Jackson's boob violates standards of decency, but we might or might not investigate whether the president declared war on another country because of either faulty intelligence or because he's a dirty fucking liar?

Some people are more offended by a naked breast than bombing the shit out of someplace for (quite possibly) no good reason. These people are defective, and should be returned to the galactic store for a full refund. Maybe we can use that dough to take some Iraqis to a strip club and try to make things up to them.

The Final Word on Janet's Boob

Look: we saw Janet Jackson's tit. This can only be classified as a gift from God. What are people complaining about? Did you not look? It was magnificent. Truly one of the best breasts I've ever seen. It was a shining beacon of beauty in a sea of violence, and I, for one, am grateful. And the ONLY harm it might have done to children is to spoil them for regular breasts. Girls might feel inadequate, and boys (or girls!) might feel disappointed by their first trip to second base, but that's a small price to pay for a glimpse of perfection.

TuneRecycler takes unwanted winning iTunes/Pepsi codes

Power to the people, my friends.

I thought Pepsi's ad during the Super Bowl, which featured kids sued by the RIAA and announced their new free music promotion with iTunes was pretty cool. But this TuneRecycler site makes it even cooler, helping turning these free codes into dough for indie artists. Please check it out, and please forward the link to your friends.

Matt Drudge - Hypocrite in a Fedora

Watching last night's Super Bowl, I was right there with millions of fellow New Englanders when I shouted, "Hey, was that Janet's TIT?"

'Twas. I got confirmation after I went to bed and Matt Drudge's radio show was on (I never go to sleep without the soothing sounds of talk radio), and our nasal-voiced proto-blogger was incensed, LIVID, that MTV would produce something so obscene, so vile, as the halftime show and Janet's exposed hooter, freed from its shiny black holster by Justin Timberlake, who, for a rock star, sure looks like the assistant manager of a Blockbuster.

So why, then, does Drudge have this on his website, which shows the breast in question in a much higher resolution and much closer up than CBS did?

So, to recap, thank you, Janet, thank you, Justin, and thank you, Mr. Drudge...you are a most helpful cog in the purveyance of filth.