Wednesday, March 31, 2004  

End of an Era

Wow.

The Comedy Studio Kvetch Board got taken down, because some trolls tried to scam everyone into thinking there was a casting call, and the group they claimed to represent has threatened to sue the club.

Holy.

Shit.

Comedy Yin and Yang

Just limped home from the Melrose VFW, where I do believe I just qualified for a purple heart of my own. Typical bad scene: I booked the show myself because I work at my day job with a chick whose mom runs the VFW. They want to do a show. I give them a rate. I go on Tuesday to tell them where to put the stage, the lights, the tables, everything. I show up tonight, and they'd done the exact opposite. Not unheard of for these kinds of gigs.

I knew it was going to be bad when before the show, one of the guys comes up and goes, "Hey, here's a joke. How do you keep nigger kids from jumping on the bed?"

Also not unheard of for these kinds of gigs. I walk off before he can tell the punchline, which is the best I can do, trying to walk the line between righteousness and not getting in a fistfight with a club officer before the show.

John Curtin's hosting. He tries, he really tries, but they're not digging him. Again, in his defense, he's working at the tip of a dance floor devoid of tables (counter to my explicit directions) to 3 tables of octogenarians all of whom have expressions like they just ate bad clams. Then Joe Wong goes up and really does well. Really. I think it's turning around...the night's going to be okay. Then it's my turn. I didn't bomb, but I didn't rock. It was labor, though. Hard fucking labor. I like to think I'm an artist that will stand by my material, but those goddamn 80 year olds are freaking me out. I'm editing language on the fly...de-effifying, as it were. The set's up and down. I was hoping for 9, and I got maybe a 6.

Afterwards, while basking in very tepid praise, the same guy who wanted to tell me a joke before the show comes up and says, "You really shouldn't have done those poop jokes (the Xenical/Olestra stuff)...those were offensive."

Yes. The "nigger" guy was offended at my "poop jokes."

And then they shorted me 50 bucks.

Last night, by contrast, was comedy rock star heaven. I thought I was going to be at the Sturbridge Quality Inn. Turns out, I was at the Sturbridge Isle Truck Stop. I didn't know such a thing existed, but this is an UPSCALE truck stop. Million dollar renovation. No lie, the support beams were cedar from the slopes of Mt. St. Helens when it blew. I was in The Loft, working with a very funny cat named Steve Donovan. Without getting specific, I'm featuring on the show, and I'm making 100 dollars more than I usually get to headline. So I go on, and really, really start rocking the joint. Crazy good set. Then Steve gives me the light (comedy code for "get off!") at 20 minutes in. I figure there's some alpha male thing going on or something, but being a pro, I finish my bit and exit. I walk up to Steve and go, "Why the light? Did I say something wrong?" And he looks at me and goes, "No, you only have to do 20. Here's your money!!! Great job...wanna come back?"

So thus is the yin and yang of comedy. I ate it for a friend's mom and her racist friends, and I rocked a truck stop like it was Wembley Stadium and I was The Who.

I will now finish my whiskey and go to bed. Tomorrow's Jude Day...we get to hang out all day. He's nearly 3, and in the last day or so has invented an imaginary friend named "Muffin." No lie. At breakfast today, he opened the back door and yelled, "Hey, Muffin! Come on in and play groceries wif me???" It's unbelievably cute. Trying to understand his little brain, I ask him, "You have a new friend named Muffin?" He gets a great big smile and goes, "Yeah!" I say, "That's great! Is Muffin a boy or a girl?"

And my son, my pride and joy, looks at me like I'm a total idiot and says, "Daddy. It's a MUFFIN."

I don't know anything about anything.

Sam Walters Circus

Did a really fun show for Sam Walters last night at the Comedy Studio. It was the "Jiminey Fund's Telethon for Scaminitis." He had a bunch of us do variety-type stuff. Ol' Larry Murphy did a hilarious Ted Williams, and I pulled off a character called Melzor, the Amazing Mentalist, which got good laughs, though I was afraid it would be too racist to be funny. Apparently not. Here's a link to the movie intro Sam made for the show. Young "Rodney" is played by none other than my little guy Jude McIntire, whose freaked-out expression is due solely to being accosted by Sam Walters with a video camera.

This weekend I have two shows that I'm sure will be fun, and I know will be lucrative, but really, really, really are kind of embarrassing to say out loud. So, uh, tonight, I'll be at the Quality Inn in Sturbridge, Mass, and tomorrow, I'll be at the VFW Hall in Melrose, Mass.

Oofa.

Fancy Pants Comedy

Holy cats. That gig was WAY nicer than it had any right to be. The show at the Mountainview GRAND Resort was a blast and a half, but the place itself is unbelievable. Jim Dailakis turned out to be a really nice dude...very talented and good at what he does. Unfortunately, his teetotalling sort of flew in the face of Australian stereotypes, but he DID pack away three scoops of sorbet. Let's see Paul Hogan match THAT. Greg Boggis was a hoot, and he did, in fact, get some new shots for his fan pages. As it turns out, the only thing he's more passionate about than beaver photography is politics, and we spent a fun drive up and back raging against the juggernaut of right-wing suck that is the Bush administration.

The resort was incredible, and apparently, what I really need to excel at a comedy show is free beer, followed by a steam bath, a cold plunge, a hot tub soak, a nap, and a forty dollar steak. Unfortunately, since most gigs around here are NOT at grand resorts, and are instead usually at truck stops and speakeasies, that level of comedy goodness may not come around again for quite a while.

Show This Weekend

I'm sorry for the lack of posts lately, but it has been a mindnumbingly dull week for me. Really. The high point was finding out Alex Jones' new shortwave broadcast schedule (he's on 5.070 at 11 pm EST). See? Creepy AND boring, that's me!

I only have one show this weekend - I'll be co-headlining at Dick Doherty's Comedy Escape at the Mountainview Resort in Whitefield, New Hampshire. I'm working with some Greek dude I never heard of, but I'm sure he's wicked funny. Also on the bill is one of my favorite comics, and my absolute favorite amateur pornographer, Greg Boggis. So on the off chance you live anywhere near Whitefield, New Hampshire, come on out for what I'm sure will an amazing combination of gyros, flashing, and rich white people.

Now THAT Was a Show

Man, the Geek Council was a sight to behold last night. It wasn't so much a Geek Council as a Geek Parliament. Easily 35 people answering questions and barely controlled chaos. Ross made up words to the Superman theme, and Benari was there in a ROBIN costume. Our Geeks Up Front represented in full force, and we definitely went out in style.

Tonight I'm at the Augusta Civic Center in Augusta, Maine. It's an 8:00 show. Tomorrow, I'm in Somerset, Mass, at an Elks Lodge.

Boy, I need a better agent.

FINAL Geek Council Tonight

All good things must come to an end, and tonight marks the final chapter in the 3 year (or so...I don't know. Who keeps track?) run of the Grand High Council of All Things True. We even outlasted the Comedy Central show that ripped us off. Ahem. Anyway, Ross and Benari and I have written a show that's light on high concepts, and heavy on room for audience participation, which is good, because in addition to our regular audience, we have at least 25 guests scheduled to be in the room, including some who no one thought would ever share space again. I've caught wind of at least TWO surprise things that are supposed to go down, as well, and I'm assuming there'll be more.

Point is...this should be one hell of a show. Love to have everyone there...8:00 showtime at the Comedy Studio. Come on out and play!

Weekend Roundup

Two fun shows this weekend - one in a traditional fashion, the other in a David Lynch sort of way. The Chateau in Manchester was, of course, great, though the yellow spotlight made all the comics look like they had advanced liver disease, though only 2 out of the 4 of them did. It was maybe a little heavy on the hecklers, but that sure beats the hell out of a dull crowd.

Last night in Vermont...what a hell of a thing. Sam Walters kindly drove, and we only got a little lost and he didn't rip the exhaust system completely off his car. Once we found the gig, we found a huge room with only 9 audience members, 4 of whom were excruciatingly hip lesbians (this becomes relevant in a second). Our third comic is completely MIA. So Sammy goes up and does a yeoman's job of getting them going, and then I hit stage. After about 20 minutes, I hear "Tim...hey, Tim!" from the darkness. Tom Mitchell, the third comic, has shown up an hour late, and now he wants his time. The show grinds to a complete screeching halt, and being the consummate showman I am, I cover the awkwardness with, "Umm...okay, so this is weird, but I'm going to take a break and let another comic talk." See? Goddamn SEAMLESS. So while Tommy goes up and does his time, the owner announces that she's just caught 2 of the lesbians in delecto flagrante in the women's room, and looks to me like I'm supposed to get righteously indignant, too. I was too busy trying not to pop a boner to do that. Then suddenly, Mitchell's done, and I have to go back up and do another 30. The remaining lesbians really dug the story about my sister coming out, and from there it was new stuff, and when all was said and done, I closed really strong and only slightly drunk.

See what you miss when you don't come to shows?

Shows This Weekend

Quick update:

Saturday, March 6. The Chateau. Manchester, NH. 9:00

Sunday, March 7. Shenanigans. White River Junction, VT. 7:00 (Sam Walters opening!)

Love to see you there!

This Awkward Moment Brought To You By Google

I bet Hemingway never had this problem. When I was writing my short story for my class last semester, I was banging along and needed a couple of character names. Rather than wasting creativity, I figured I'd just plug in the first names I saw. I work at a university, and I had a class list on my desk. So I grab a name more or less at random (skipped over some names of inappropriate ethnicity) and kept on writing. Didn't think twice about it. Finished the story. Turned it in. Got good feedback. Posted it on this site.

Imagine my surprise when a student, who I'd never met before, came to get a signature on a form the other day. As he walked away, he turns and says, "By the way. I was Googling for my name last night. Why did you make me the villain in your story?"

Montreal Finale

Had two shows on Saturday night, one good, and one great. First show's crowd was kinda stiff, and really made me work for it. That would be, of course, the only show the booker caught all week. C'est la vie! Second show was outstanding. Joey Elias dropped in to do a guest spot, and Ryan Murphy, Jeff O'Neil, and Heidi Foss rocked as well...in fact, Heidi may be the tightest writer I ever met, and yes, that's including Brian Kiley. Nobody wanted to play, so it was back to the condo, where I had some pad thai and packed up. I ended up stealing "Ventriloquism for Dummies," a memoir by comedian comic John Wing, and an absolutely terrific read. Great insight into being a comic, and a real good look at what made 80's comedy tick.

Then it was just a short 6 hour bus ride home, an hour-long ordeal putting Jude to bed, and then blissful, blissful unconsciousness until this morning, where I find myself back at the day gig, and the soul-sucking begins again.