Wednesday, June 07, 2006  

Guest Speaker

So I gather there was a comic with cerebral palsy on Last Comic Standing. I say "I gather," because I was busy watching a nut-cruncher of a Sox game instead (with a sixer of Smithwick's, natch). I guess he claimed that he didn't know of any other disabled comics who had been on national TV saying something.

Which is patently absurd.

I was going to write a little something about Chris Fonseca, a comic who was very helpful to me when I first started out in the business back in Colorado Springs.

But Chris emailed me something he'd already written himself, so, with his permission, here it is:

Disabling the Myth

Ever see your child do something and struggle with do I punish him or just let him suffer the consequences of his actions? Well, I feel my bastard comedy child, Josh Blue needs at the very least a timeout. I say "bastard," because I don't remember sex with Geri Jewell, but I guess it must have happened.

If you watch Josh's set, you see the best and worst bits Geri and I and other disabled comics wrote and performed in the dark ages. Before anyone invented the wheel (chair). Ha! I killl me, in the words of Alf.

For the record, I did not try out for Last Comic Standing, nor did I feel the urge to. Haven't seen LeAnn Rimes trying to get on American Idol either.

Here's the thing.

Josh Blue is neither the first comic with a disability or the best. The first, I've been told, was a guy named, Nick who wrote for Johnny Carson in the 60's and 70's. He had Cerebral Palsy.

Then of course, there's Geri, who debuted on "Facts of Life" in the late 70's. She can now be seen on Deadwood on HBO.

Also, there is "Steady Eddie" from Australia. He too has Cerebral Palsy.

My own career started in 1984. I too, have C.P.

I like to boast my two "Super Bowl Rings" of comedy. I appeared on Letterman in 1997 and The Just For Laughs Comedy Festival in Montreal, that same year.

Add to this list, Brett Leake, who has Muscular Dystrophy, Alex Valdez who is blind, Kathy Buckley, who is hearing impaired. The list goes on and on.

So, Mr. Blue is full of it, when he claims he knows of no other disabled comic, who has been on national TV, saying something. All you have to do is watch 1994's Look Who's Laughing which aired on PBS.

We're all there.

Chances are Josh owns a copy. Speaking of "copy," hmmmm. I distinctly remember Geri on "Facts," wearing a T-shirt that said, "I don't Have Cerebral Palsy, I'm drunk." Therefore, any drunk/cp jokes are Geri's.

Period.

I could go on and on, but it's easily summed up this way. My friend, the late Bill Hicks, once told me, "best way not to dog another comic, you don't think is funny or original is say he's a nice guy."

So...

For the record, Josh Blue is a nice guy.

Ode

Dear Smithwick's Ale,

It's only been three days since we met, and I'm still walking on air. I don't know how I lived without you so long. It's like I'm alive for the very first time. I know I only chose you because I was at the Charles Playhouse lounge and I suddenly realized that the bartender who thinks my comedy sucks was on shift and I just blurted out the first thing I saw, but I now know that it was fate, baby.

I needed you, and you were there, and you were delicious. All three times. Three times! You make me young again!

And then later, after my show at Nicks Comedy Stop, where they've replaced their stage with a waitress station and a stepladder, and I needed to come back to the bar and replace my dignity with alcohol, you were still there, waiting for me. You knew I'd come back, didn't you? You didn't even mind when I shared you with my friends. It was just physical with them, I know, not true love. You proved yourself to me, and that's how I know we'll be together forever.

How do you feel about a threesome with Old Overholt? It'll be freaky, but I think it could be fun.

I'm back at Nicks in just two weeks, but it seems like an eternity! How am I supposed to live without you? Oh, 3 days ago, I didn't even know you existed, but now I long for you, ache for you. I don't care who knows it! I'll find a packie and declare my love for you in front of everyone!

I LOVE SMITHWICKS, MY NEWFOUND REDHEADED IRISH SLUT BEER!